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It was probably unplanned. You didn’t expect to get pregnant; he didn’t either. But the lines on the test don’t care if you planned it or not. The positive pregnancy test starts a discussion neither of you hoped for and ends with more stress: he says he will pay for abortion but not child support.
Now, in the face of deciding what you will do with this pregnancy, you have the added anxiety of wondering what he will (or won’t) do if you don’t choose the option he wants. It’s a lot of additional weight, isn’t it?
First, understand the reason it feels like pressure is because his statement that he will pay for abortion but not child support is meant to pressure you into the decision he wants. The threat of withholding funds unless you choose an abortion is coercive. In fact, Standing with You lists examples of statements that are considered to be threats from the father of the baby and among them is this one: “You won’t get a penny of child support out of me.”
This type of pressure is coercive exactly because it is being used to force (or manipulate) you into having an abortion (which, by the way, is illegal).
If he is adding weight to the scale – by using threats about money – that means you are likely leaning away from abortion. Otherwise, he wouldn’t need the threats. So, rather than make a quick decision that satisfies him, you need a place to work through all your options and your reasons, plans, and feelings around this pregnancy.
This is one of the reasons we provide an options consultation here at Alcove Health Women’s Clinic. You need and deserve a safe space to make a pregnancy decision you can live with.
It’s hard to do that if your boyfriend is putting financial pressure on you. The good news is that there is never any financial pressure here in our clinic. All of our services are free and confidential. We are a place for you to talk and be heard. A place for you to ask the questions you need answered and hear your own thoughts.
To help you begin processing your pregnancy, there are a few questions and one statement I want you to consider. Seriously. In your own mind, take a deep breath and be honest with yourself. He has made it clear what he wants you to do, now I want you to set him outside the circle of your thoughts and think about what you want – so you can know how much his pressure is affecting the way you feel.
1. How do you feel when he says he will pay for abortion but not child support? Is it fear? Fear and urgency are powerful emotions that can drive us to make a decision just to get out from under the anxiety of those feelings. But, for decisions like this – the outcome of your pregnancy – we don’t want fear and urgency to be the drivers. We want to make a decision that we can live with on the other side.
2. Is a financial investment from him – beyond the cost of an abortion – an unreasonable expectation for a life he helped create? You know what you will commit to this life. Your body, your heart, your support. What is his reasonable contribution? A pregnancy isn’t a vending machine where he can choose how much it will cost him. It will cost both of you.
And hear me, an abortion will cost both of you, too. It will cost him money but, if you abort a pregnancy you don’t want to abort, it will cost you emotionally much more. When he says he will pay for abortion but not child support, he is saying his needs come first – over yours, and over this baby’s
3. Does his language add up? If he says that this is your body and your choice, but he’s also telling you he will pay for abortion but not child support – something doesn’t add up. If he says he’ll support your decision, but is using language to push you in the direction of an abortion – know that both of these statements can’t be true. Which one is true? Your decision should not hinge on an untruth wrapped in emotionally charged language.
Your answers to these questions should bring clarity to understanding how much his thoughts (rather than your thoughts) are at the root of you considering an abortion. And this decision isn’t truly yours if the main reason you are considering an abortion is because he is threatening to make your life uncomfortable if you don’t. Deep down, you know that.
And here’s the statement. The law is clear: coercing someone into an abortion through financial manipulation, or any other means of pressure, is illegal. Wrap your mind around that. Don’t make an excuse for him. He is responsible for his role in this child’s life, just like you are.
He doesn’t need your sympathy; there is only one child in this situation and that’s the one you are carrying inside you. Too often, his needs, his wants, his money, become the focus as if he is the one who needs protecting. Why would we think a grown man needs protecting over a life he helped create?
From Standing With You:
“Coercing a woman to have an abortion is illegal in all 50 U.S. states. including coercion of a minor (someone who is under the age of 18). The decision not to abort the child is the woman’s alone, so a woman’s rights are being violated when she is coerced, unduly pressured, or forced into an unwanted abortion.”
And you’re not alone in this. The Justice Foundation’s Center Against Forced Abortions was created to provide legal resources to mothers who are being forced or coerced into an unwanted abortion. For more information about how they can help you individually, or to talk to a lawyer, call (210) 614-7157 or email info@txjf.org.
But what’s going to happen down the road? If he says he’ll pay for an abortion but not child support, how will that work after the baby’s born?
Withholding child support after the baby is born isn’t legal, either. In Virginia, both parents are financially responsible for the child, but, according to Holcomb Law, “the law presumes that the parent with whom the child is living provides for many of the child’s financial needs, therefore, only the noncustodial parent will be responsible child support.”
After birth, the father will be responsible for child support payments – even if he objected to carrying the pregnancy to term during the pregnancy.
Additionally, according to FindLaw:
“As soon as a judge issues a court order for child support, it becomes a legal obligation. When you disobey a court order, including a child support obligation, you can be in ‘contempt of court.’”
It can be hard to sift through how you really feel when you have his voice – and maybe only his voice – in your head. Alcove Health is here to give you a space to be heard and to hear your own voice without the weight of his financial manipulation whispering in the background.
If you’re trying to make a decision about an unplanned pregnancy while he’s saying he will pay for an abortion but not child support, come be heard at Alcove Health. We provide advocacy and medical services (pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, and STI testing) for free and with confidentiality. Call or visit our appointment page to request your appointment today.
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