Pregnancy and infant loss isn’t your fault, & your grief is valid. Find ways to honor your baby & seek...
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Going from the excitement and hope of a positive pregnancy test – perhaps even seeing your baby on an early ultrasound – to experiencing a pregnancy or infant loss, can be one of the most heartbreaking and emotionally painful experiences a parent can endure.
October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month; a time to bring awareness to women, their partners, and families who have experienced this kind of loss. It’s a special time to be seen and heard if you’ve experienced this kind of loss.
Awareness matters because pregnancy and infant loss isn’t always recognized by others as a “real” loss, especially by those who haven’t experienced it themselves. That lack of understanding can leave grieving parents feeling isolated or pressured to move on.
Talking openly about loss reminds those who are grieving that their loss is real, their grief is valid, and their mental health matters, too.
Whether you experienced pregnancy or infant loss this year or several years ago, grief can linger long after the physical loss has healed. You may wonder how to even grieve a pregnancy you never got to bring home. But your pain, anger, and grief are real. You don’t have to minimize your loss because someone else doesn’t understand why it hurts so deeply.
If you’re struggling to cope, feeling overwhelmed, withdrawing from others, or experiencing persistent anxiety or sadness, reaching out for professional support is not a sign that you are grieving “wrong.” Instead, It is one way of caring for yourself as you process your grief.
If you’re struggling with how to grieve this October, this guide offers ideas to help you process your grief one step at a time – from someone who’s experienced loss, too.
First, let’s address some thoughts that may or may not be on your mind:
If you find yourself replaying the ordinary things you did during pregnancy – working, exercising, having sex, feeling stressed, eating something, lifting something, or having an argument – and wondering whether one of these caused the pregnancy loss, please pause for a moment and remind yourself you did not cause this.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) emphasizes that in almost every case, miscarriage is not the woman’s fault.
Chromosomal abnormalities are responsible for about half of early miscarriages. These abnormalities can occur randomly during the formation of the egg or sperm or as the embryo develops, and they are usually outside of your control.
Stillbirths can also have many different causes, including infections or problems with the placenta, umbilical cord or fetal development – and sometimes a cause cannot be identified.
Even with possible causes for how the pregnancy loss could have happened, it does not make grief any easier and it’s easy to point blame at your body. I know because I’ve been there.
It’s important to understand that your body is not out to get you. Your body may not immediately feel like it has caught up with what has happened. You may still experience pregnancy symptoms, weight changes, or elevated hCG levels after a loss. Your body may take time to adjust to what has happened.
Nothing you did – including a past mistake or a previous abortion – means you are being punished if you experience a pregnancy or infant loss. If you are spiritual, you may find comfort in knowing that experiencing a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss is not a punishment for something you did in the past.
Whether you were in your first, second, third, or even fourth trimester, it is okay to grieve and there is no time limit on when you have to stop grieving. You do not have to pretend it didn’t happen or downplay the seriousness of the loss to make others more comfortable.
Asking for help for things like: cooking dinner, having a friend sit with you, having a friend or family member come with you for a medical appointment, having someone watch your other children so you can take a moment, and/or finding a safe person to vent and talk to if you want to talk about the baby or your experience. These are all good ways to help relieve some additional stress on you.
Fortunately, at least 85% of women who have had one pregnancy loss will go on to have a successful pregnancy, as will 75% of those who have experienced two or three pregnancy losses.
When you are considering trying to conceive again, it’s important to take a pause to fully allow your body to not only heal but also allow yourself to grieve, if needed, for a better mindset. Talk with your doctor to confirm how much time is recommended before becoming pregnant again.
Pregnancy and infant loss affect both parents, but men may grieve differently. A male partner may put his emotions aside because he sees his partner grieving and feels responsible for taking care of her and everyone else around him.
He may become unusually quiet or withdrawn, spend more time alone, have difficulty sleeping, become more emotional or disconnected, or keep himself busy.
One of the particularly difficult experiences for a male partner can be watching the person he loves experience a physical and emotional loss that he cannot fix. He may feel helpless while also believing that his role is to “stay strong.” But he does not have to hide his grief in order to support his partner.
Men deserve this reassurance, too: You did not cause this. You did not fail your partner or your baby. And you are not being punished. Your grief is real, even if your experience of the loss was different.
If you and your partner are experiencing pregnancy or infant loss and trying to find a way to honor the loss, read on for ideas on how to grieve.
A name can bring so much closure to such loss. For women who have miscarried, it can bring some light and assurance that your loss is real even if you miscarried early on.
Lighting a candle, reading a poem or Scripture, having a small gathering of close family or friends, or a moment of silence can help you sit in the moment with the loss.
Place inside items: pregnancy tests, ultrasound photos, hospital bracelet (if applicable), pregnancy announcement, photograph, small blanket or stuffed animal that you bought or received for the baby.
Some examples of what to write include what you wish you could have told them, what you’ll always remember (like a pregnancy symptom or how you discovered you were pregnant), what the baby or pregnancy meant to you, what you wish their future could have been or things you wish you could have done with them.
Being able to see a plant that serves as a reminder of your baby can help reinforce the idea that you do not have to pretend that this loss never happened.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge important dates like the estimated due date, the anniversary of the miscarriage, the stillbirth or infant loss date, the date you learned you were pregnant, or October 15th for National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Consider lighting a candle, baking a birthday cake, or having ice cream on certain dates to celebrate them as if they were still here.
Experiencing pregnancy or infant loss can bring tremendous pain, grief, and isolation and is associated with an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and PTSD symptoms. Non-judgmental support, information, and connection with others is available to you.
Here are additional pregnancy and infant loss resources:
Alcove Health Women’s Clinic is here to stand beside you throughout all your pregnancies. If you’d like connection with local support after pregnancy or infant loss, or support for a new pregnancy, please call or click the button below to schedule your free and confidential appointment with Alcove Health.
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