She’s pregnant. You’re on board with an abortion, but you have questions. Some obvious ones – about her options, her safety, and the cost of an abortion. But then there are some other questions. Those that stick in the back of your mind. Ever since she told you she had a positive pregnancy test you can’t help but wonder what if your girlfriend wants to break up after the abortion?

You may not hear many men voicing the question – out loud. The answer is more evident after the abortion when the relationship is struggling and the man is trying to figure out where everything went wrong.

But a better time to ask the question is before the abortion. And it’s a reasonable question.

According to psychiatrist Philip Sarrel, “Abortion is frequently a negative turning point in a relationship leaving scars which can undermine the future of the couple either together or as individuals.”

The irony of it is that sometimes abortion is chosen by a woman (or supported by a man) to save the relationship. Yet this finding indicates it does the opposite.

The laws of Virginia do not recognize the man’s voice in the pregnancy decision. But there will be an “after” for any pregnancy decision she makes – for both of you. If your relationship with her matters to you, then this decision will affect you, too. While it may not be obvious until after the abortion, the time to consider the impact of the decision is before the abortion.

Turns out, the pregnancy decision may be a decision about your relationship, too. Your gut’s telling you that. That’s why you’re already concerned about how you will handle it if your girlfriend wants to break up after the abortion.

Here’s a healthy idea: Decide what you want your outcome to look like, and work backward. If your relationship with your girlfriend is important, then discuss now how your next decision will impact your future together. And then work towards a decision that will protect your relationship.

The goal is to make sure that the final outcome is one you can both live with, together.

It may be hard to have that conversation right now. You are both experiencing a lot of emotions: shock, fear, and worry about the future. Allow yourselves to experience the good emotions, too: hope, promise, and the future for your family.

When you think through your conversations about the pregnancy, a healthy conversation means you can answer “yes” to these questions: Is she telling you how she feels? Are you listening and explaining your own feelings? Are your feelings being heard? Have you given yourselves the space to consider every pregnancy option, including honest and realistic expectations for after the abortion?

And if your main contribution to the pregnancy discussion has been, “I’ll support whatever choice you make,” you need to know that many women find that response lacking. It leaves her feeling as if the weight of the decision is left fully on her shoulders. Though it may sound noble to you, she often tells us how lonely these words actually feel.

Poor discussions, unheard feelings, pressure (even unintended), or the silent treatment – these all have the potential to translate into regrets after the abortion.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

We’re here to help. Yes, we’re a women’s clinic, but we allow – and encourage – every woman to bring her boyfriend with her. Why? Because in our discussions with pregnant women over the past three decades, we’ve found that many care about the thoughts and opinions of their boyfriends. She thinks you’re important to the decision process; we agree with her!