We’ve been listening to women for over four decades as they sort through their options, process their feelings, and figure...
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Same Day Appointments Available
Same Day Appointments Available
Same Day Appointments Available
To get an abortion or not.
To take the abortion pill or get the surgical procedure.
To talk about your options or just do it.
So many questions and so many decisions. Among them, one that may sit the heaviest as you consider all your options: Should you tell him before you decide… or not?
We’ve been listening to women for over four decades as they sort through their options, process their feelings, and figure out what to do next. And this one question may be among the hardest to wrestle with.
There are certainly a variety of reasons behind the question, but in speaking with women, three thoughts seem to lie at the root of most of them.
Whether it’s the ex you don’t want to reconcile with, the hookup you hardly know, or the relationship you’re planning to leave, a positive pregnancy test can make everything feel more messy.
So, keeping the pregnancy from him – at least for now – may seem like a way to keep things a little less complicated.
But here’s the thing: the pregnancy exists for you regardless of whether you want a relationship with him. And including him in the decision-making process does not require you to reconcile with him or change the nature of your relationship.
Still, when you’re trying to avoid the complications that might come with telling him, it can be tempting to avoid talking about the pregnancy altogether. What begins as “I don’t want to tell him” can quietly become “I don’t want to tell anyone.” And for a decision this big, having someone in your corner matters.
So, if this is your concern and you don’t want to tell him before you decide whether to get an abortion, who will you tell? Choosing someone you trust to talk with is important – so important that we encourage you to bring that person with you to your appointment with us.
This one is an interesting one. Despite the way it may sound, the truth is that if you feel this way, you probably already know his opinion. You may have even agreed on what you would do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. Maybe now a plan you once viewed with confidence feels a little shaky.
First – with or without including him in the conversation right now – know that you deserve a place where you will be heard. That is your first need. Whether or not to include him is a really good question – but maybe not the first question you need to answer.
In stressful moments, the need to “just do something” can feel loud and urgent. But moving forward with a decision simply because you don’t want to tell him about the pregnancy doesn’t protect you from making a choice you may not feel settled about later.
Remember that you don’t have to answer every question at once. You can take it step by step — getting the information you need first to protect your reproductive, emotional, and mental health. You may choose to do this first and then decide how you want to include him.
For some women, that means coming to their first appointment at Alcove Health without him, giving themselves space to get the information they need before deciding whether to bring him to a future appointment.
This last one is the trickiest one – and one that especially deserves some extra time unpacking.
Women who worry that a pregnancy may make him feel “trapped” often do so without having an actual conversation with him, and their fear about what he “really thinks” has driven them to silence.
It’s tricky – and it’s risky because most of us aren’t great at reading each other’s minds.
The idea that telling him will make him feel “trapped” may not even be an accurate assessment of how he feels. Even if he previously said he didn’t want a pregnancy or a baby. Even if he says he just wants to have fun for now. What someone says about a hypothetical pregnancy may feel very different when the pregnancy is real.
And when we assume we already know how he’ll feel, it can become easy to take responsibility for those feelings too – even if they don’t exist. We minimize the fact that he, too, had a part in creating this pregnancy. And so, we choose to bear the burden alone because it feels lighter than also bearing the burden of his feelings.
But you are not the guardian of his feelings. Each of us has to live with our own feelings and our own behaviors. The behavior that created this pregnancy was shared by two people; it is reasonable that the feelings and reality of this pregnancy be shared by these same two.
It’s not a two-person conversation if you’re speaking both parts, no matter how real his side of the conversation may feel in your head.
The odd thing is that even for women who choose not to tell him before the abortion, they often tell him afterward – particularly if they continue a relationship with him. It just happens. I’ve seen it. The “secret they’ll carry to the grave” comes out – when the silence gets too loud, or the stress gets too high, or he says something that just triggers the truth.
Afterwards, you could discover that what you were so sure he felt wasn’t actually true. Later it could come out, “I wish you had told me because …” And you’re left carrying a decision made, in part, based on what you thought he felt.
An appointment with Alcove Health is your best first step – whether you come with him or without him. Out of all the scenarios screaming for your attention now – all the possibilities and next steps – let’s first make sure you actually have a viable pregnancy to consider.
Your appointment will start with a lab-grade pregnancy test and a consult with one of our trained advocates. Our advocate will discuss all the things you’d like to discuss. Your fears, plans, and concerns.
If your test is positive, you’ll be assessed to receive a confirmation ultrasound that day. You will meet with an RN trained in limited sonography or a Registered Diagnostic Medical Sonographer (RDMS). Our medical team will explain your options and answer all your questions.
A confirmation ultrasound will give you answers to three important questions:
Every one of these questions will help you decide your next step. And, whether or not you include him right now, you’re not alone. We’re here to help you every step of the way. Call or click the button below to schedule your free and confidential medical appointment with Alcove Health.
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